Friday, October 19, 2007

Monster Truck Rallies and the like

It is assumed that most of the devoted readers of this instructional manual have/will at some point in their lives master the arts of operating an automobile. Which is good.

Being able to drive is a valuable skill in a zombie invasion for numerous reasons.

1) The most obvious: TO TEAR LIKE HECK DOWN THE EXPRESSWAY. Whether it's for the purposes of escaping or enjoying a phenomenal rush of speed not often experienced on the roads of our lovely island, being able to shuttle to and fro at great speeds helps you get out of sticky zombie situations.

For instance, in Dawn of the Dead, that cute white chick speeds away from her recently zombified husband in a white car thing. If a jalopy could outrun even the physically enhanced zombies of Dawn of the Dead, any automobile would make for a good escape mechanism.

2) Transport. Driving around beats walking any day. Especially so on rainy days and even more so when blood-thirsty undead prowl the streets. An automobile will provide swift and efficient transport to your desired location with minimal hassle. However, be warned! That V-8 of yours might just attract more than the envious stares of your neighbours!

Another thing to note is that the movement bonus that your automobile affords you will most likely dwindle over time. As our population density increases, so does the amount of traffic along our roads. This basically becomes a hazard if you're trying to escape down, say, Orchard Road at 7pm on a Friday Night. In this case, your best bet is to probably leg it and fast. Remember, since these fools deigned to obstruct your escape route, you should have no qualms about using them as meat shields. Or an elevated walkway of sorts.

Improvise! (This however, does not apply if you happen to be driving either a monster truck or a tank or the Dooms Day Machine driven by the patriarch of a certain Yugoslavian Royal Line.)

3) Storage. Remember those huge vans from Wagensfraut Stuttgart back in the 1950s? Of course you don't. I made it up. Anyway, the third bonus of having an automobile is the ability to keep stuff inside, be it food, soap, magazines, a short-wave radio, a pair of katanas or whatever. The standard run-o-the-mill 4 seater should be able to keep enough canned supplies for about a week and enough gas to run for a few days before you need to resupply.

An alternative would be purchasing an RV. The benefits would be the additional company, support and of course a decent shower and a toilet. However, the upkeep one of these babies would need is rather steep considering you're about to enter a post-apocalyptic world of zombies.

4) Offense! Okay, this is more or less what I really wanted to talk about. So you've watched a few medieval war movies, or read a few books or wikis about medieval combat. Now remember those wicked chariots running down men, slicing their legs off at the knees, peppering with them with arrows from the archers riding said chariot. Yea, me neither. They were given way too little screen time. (Please watch Gladiator to get what I mean. Of course, stop the DVD/VCD/VCR before Russell Crowe lays down the law, cause that defeats the purpose.)

So yeah, cars pretty much function the same way. Install some wicked spikes on your hubcaps, or perhaps a large blunt object and rampage through those zombie hordes! The bonus here is that by crippling them, the less likely they are to catch up with you. Which is a good thing.

Also, you can possibly blare really really really loud death metal or any other variant of metal, or even bubble-gum pop, which really takes the edge of the fact that life as you knew it has just ended. For mood music, see Rob Zombie.

In addition, monster trucks + tanks = pew pew.

In conclusion, driving is useful, cars are useful and monster trucks are useful-er. So if you happen to be driving a monster truck during a zombie invasion, do swing by my place to pick me up.


Zombloke II

Still Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II
Currently studying something regarding Jews

1 comment:

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