Monday, October 1, 2007

Homemade Anti-Zombie Weapons

It goes without saying that many many ordinary household things can cause you bodily harm. Penknives, bookends, scissors, cleavers and the like can all be transformed from ordinary tools into moderately effective weapons. And trust me, you definitely do not need McGuyver-ish techniques in order to convert your dull transparent pencil case into a weapon of mass (relative molecular) destruction.

There are many guides to such devices found on the glorious network of deep sea fibre optics that we call the internet thus it behooves me to post links to some of them.

First off, from AskMen.com,
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_300/346_how_to.html

*Some useful tips here but alas it is too general and most of which will not work on zombies at all since the main goal of the guide is to stun and incapacitate enemies that feel pain and therefore react to said pain. Zombies do not. They're dead. Ipso Facto.

Another one is Ask Dr. Pecos (google this, the amount of information is staggering), one of our primary sources of information asides from the wealth of experience and resources the zombloke team possesses in their individual craniums.

*I personally share the notion with Dr. Pecos that flamethrowers are pretty much an awesome weapon. Any simple chemical aerosol can be converted into a nasty flamethrower.

**This weapon is even effective against other living enemies, see Snakes On A Plane where Sam L. J. incinerates several venomous snakes. Noting the effectiveness of the weapon on snakes and considering the similarities between snakes and zombies, the power of this weapon can not and must not be underestimated.

Still many of the more popular weapons are sadly unavailable on our sunny zombie-infested island. What do we do then? Well, by Jove, we improvise! One of the most famed Chinese military weapons was the Jin, something similar to the Western Halberd. It had a slicing edge and a stabbing point. Whilst it is impossible to replicate this to a large extent, it can be mimicked and such a powerful weapon can come in handy.

First, grab a bamboo pole. You know the ones you hang your laundry with? Make sure its nice and solid, not those cheap ones you get from the shady corner store down the road. Also, ensure its not too long. Remember, you aren't going to be getting top notch oak or mahogany here. Hence, to minimize the chance of your weapon shattering, opt for a pole thats approximately two metres long or so. The best would of course be you finding a bo staff or quarterstaff. Any shaft thats hard and not phallic would be awesome.

Secondly, you need some blades. The type of which is up to you. Cleavers, hunting knifes, etc are a good start. Using raffia string you can attach these blades to your pole. Remember to fasten them tightly and if you better means of attaching these blades then use them. The more secure your blades, the more effective the weapon becomes. I primarily recommend using your weapon as a stabbing weapon instead of a slashing weapon as slashing may cause structural damage to the weapons wooden support.

*note: Try not to use metal since metal poles are usually hollow and made of Aluminum which is easily bent out of shape.

Once you've completed your spear/halberd/jin/guandao, feel free to decimate several zombies to test it out. Note that many, if not all of the components can be obtained from your local D.I.Y. stores. Ergo, it would be a good idea to invest in creating these weapons now! They might not be used against zombies but they'd make a crazy cool weapon against potential threats.

There are many more household weapons waiting to be created and it only takes but a spark of creativity to conceptualize and realize your household weapon. So what are you waiting for? Get cracking. We don't have the luxury of time.

Signed,
Zombloke Two

Grand Inquisitor
Spanish Conquistador
Witch Hunter


8 comments:

Victor Jonsson said...

I do not agree with the notion of the flamethrower being a good anti-Zombie weapon. The only thing worse than a zombie is a flaming zombie igniting everything it touches. Bodies take a long time to burn, and Zombies cannot feel pain.
Fire is a good way to dispose of hazardus toxic Zombie corpses though.

P.E.Z. Echo said...

You are a complete dumbass, like victor said flamethrowers just make a more deadly zombie, and secondly who in the hell is gonna have the skill to use a halberd its big its unweildly and its only good for one purpose several weapons that would be good though are trench knifes ( brass knuckles on a combat knife) a crow bar because its got many purposes or even a lead pipe because all of these can easily penetrate a zombies skull even the knife by going through the eye (only for trained experts however) but a halberd can easily glance off and must be aimed towards the neck with extreme amounts of force wich few people have

ExtraMedium said...

I always thought that ramming a few kitchen knives into a baseball/cricket bat at right-angles to the bat would make a hard-hitting weapon that would not be deflected from the skull so easily. But I always felt that this would lead to my demise after getting it stuck in an ex-zombie.

Charlie said...

This is always going to be a question of what you believe. personally, I believe that fire can be incredibly useful, but not really in flamethrower form. As much as I love the idea of a giant stream of fire spewing into an oncoming horde of undead, I don't like the idea of the oncoming FLAMING horde of zombies that would result.
However, if we can look at this from another angle, explosions and fire can come in incredibly handy, as we see in the remake of Dawn. The explosion, if it doesn't rip our zombiefied friends apart, will certainly throw them far far back and almost certainly light them on fire. So, obviously very handy, despite the obvious lack of ease (how often will you be running around with a propane tank on your back?)
Talking of explosions, however, even deoderant cans could have deadly explosive potential. The explosion would barely be enough to knock somebody over, but the flying shards of metal would for sure be enough to penetrate the brain. Easy grenades, no?

Charlie

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skullkid said...

i say use a dead body to distract them and then use a molatov

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Anonymous said...

dear everyone above, you have obviously just read the max brooks zombie survival guide. so please use some of your own information when retorting to anyone elses ideas. if he wanted to be told how bad of an idea a flamethrower may be (which is pretty bad) he would have read the book himself.