Monday, October 29, 2007

A Reluctant Change Of Perspective

Hello again. Yes it's still Zombloke II bringing you another wholesome update in preparing for the imminent zombie invasion.

Today I'll be revising my previous stance on mugging. No, I still refuse to believe that it does not cause zombification but then again, 500 tests on starving children have yet to prove me right. Fret not, my zeal is not quenched and if I have to process all of Singapore's youth than by the gods I shall.

Anyway, in accordance with MB-1 policy regarding 'a lack of things to write about', I shall now attempt to draft a new set of tips to help you would-be-zombi--, I mean students wholly devoted to the excellence of your end-year results.

Ok, as mentioned before the most likely place you could be studying in would be a room. A nice quant four-walled enclave in which you can mercilessly pour over pages and pages of text. If you're studying in the open, well, a whole different set of rules apply.

First off! Tips and tricks on how to stay alive in a zombie invasion while studying in an enclosed area.

#1) Always study facing the door. Most needless zombie deaths could usually be avoided as long as the character takes some simple precautions. Some examples would be turning on the lights, not walking backwards down a hall and not blindly hiding in a space without checking whether said location was safe.

In this case, to avoid a needless death to the maws of a zombie, one should probably face the door. It's a simple concept. By facing the door you have at least a slight visual awareness of the singular point of entry into the room. By identifying the trespasser early, such as a parent, friend or mindless flesh-eating freak, you can adjust your reaction between annoyance, terror and frenzied aggression.

If for some reason or another you are partially blind and unable to see a door open, I recommend a simple alarm mechanism. These could range from chains dangling on the handle to a baby alarm monitor to a 220lb Rottweiler. It's really up to you.

#2) Have a plan of escape. Chances are, despite how many zombies you kill, more will come. They might not come one after another but don't fret they'll turn up either today or tomorrow or the day after that or the next year, you get my drift. Hence, you most likely want to get to somewhere safe. The safe haven of your choice is up to you but here are some of my personal favourites:

-The armory of your nearest army camp

-Turf City (That place is a fortress I tell you.)

-Somewhere underground, like MB-1

-Hell (Which is Tiong Bahru, a nice place filled with potential meat shields and tall buildings which can serve as temporary shelters.)

But before that, one should probably focus on getting out of the room first. In this scenario, one has three possible options. This is commonly known as the Fight Flight or Fright response.

First, Fight. In this case, one may or may not casually toss one's life aside in an attempt to break free of the entrapment. This is effective if you are properly armed and the opposition is not too numerous.

Second, Flight. Basically, it means you panzy out. Finding an escape route can be easy if you pick the proper place to study. Since most of us will not be studying in a room with nothing but 4 white walls and a door, we can leave out the certain death scenario. Instead, one should try to utilize various furnishings in the room such as windows, side doors, ventilation shafts and what not in order to escape effectively.

Third, Fright. This basically means good game for you. Being petrified and torn to shreds is rather painful, especially if you have to watch a zombie eat your colon right in front of you. While some might find this experience surreal and strangely fascinating, most normal individuals would rather not die. Hence, the Fright syndrome is not recommended. For tips on removing fear from the system, take 5 minutes to travel down the Internet's Pantheon of Badass Heroes.

#3) Have something on hand to defend yourself with. Hypothetically speaking, there may be an incident where you are locked in an epic life or death struggle with one of the undead. Whilst that should not happen as long as you maintain constant vigilance, shit happens and therefore one must also familiarize oneself with potential weapons in such cases. (Get cracking on that spear.)

- Highlighters. Disregard these, they're useless.
- Pens. Slightly more useful for jabbing through the eye socket and into the cranium.
- Weird mathematical equipment. I'm sure they hurt in the worst ways.
- The Chair you're sitting on. Good for flattening zombies with, use it liberally if there's enough space to wield one.
- Textbooks. If they're big and heavy chances are they pack a punch, utilize these freely.
- GDC. It might cost 75 bucks but that's 75 dollars worth of hard plastic and metal that can be used to cave in a zombie's brain.
- Subject notes. See Highlighters.

Of course there might be a myriad of other items available to you depending on the environment one is studying in. In my case, I would carry a paraffin lamp into my room. Firstly, it provides light to study with and secondly, in the event of a zombie attack, ill shatter the lamp and incinerate my humble abode. The fire-hazard I call a room will more than likely kill if not hold back many foes while I scramble off the roof-tops to sweet freedom.

#4) Communication. Never ever study in a room with poor reception. You want to be able to at least receive messages via the telephone-communication network or over the radio. This will give you the heads-up and the opportunity to avoid meeting a grizzly end. Keep in mind the entertainment value the radio provides also helps keep one sane in the wee hours of the morning trying to decipher what one wrote on that tiny scrap of A4 paper a year ago.

#5) Keep people nearby. Note that I specifically did not use the word friend since most would find it unethical for one to toss a friend into the blood embrace of a horde of zombies.

Having people around helps boost one's morale knowing that one is not suffering alone. Unless said company is busy enjoying a movie or reading a nice happy storybook, then one should not feel remorse about using said company as a meat shield.

Having knowledgeable company is also useful for studying. Like, duh.

This is all I have to update you guys on for now.
Till next time!

Zombloke II
Options G and H suckers
Stalwart Defender of the Golden Way

1 comment:

kentay said...