Thursday, September 6, 2007

A slightly differing point of view

As the voice of interwebs in general I must disagree for the sake of disagreeing.

Mugging for the exams is a cleverly laid trap by those that would wish to see us mauled, slaughtered, eaten, shat on, pissed on, dissected, trisected, bisected, quintisected and generally fucked up by a murderous ravenous horde of zombies.


Think back with me everyone, think back to every single zombie movie you've ever watched. Chances are it had a kid or a teenager in there. Chances are, that kid or teenager was the first zombie seen. Remember Dawn of the Dead anyone?

Now try to keep up with me. What do kids and teens have in common that adults don't have? Well it's obvious ain't it, school. And with school comes the dreaded examinations or "BECOME A ZOMBIE 101" as it is aptly named in Herbert C. Meyer's book entitled "A World in Peril". Movie directors constantly emphasize this subtly in the hopes that we, the general public, will understand their message. And we here at MB-1 pride ourselves on picking up on the obvious, i mean subtle... yeah.

So anyway, how are exams correlated with the emergence of a zombie army? Well, one word, two syllables, mugging or with reference to the individual committing said unspeakable act, the mugger. The term Mugger carries with it a stigma, they're the people who robbed your Grandma last Tuesday for Pete's sake. But the problem lies not in the muggers engaging in some form of physical activity, the problem lies in those muggers sitting in their 4 by 4 rooms, busy pouring over volumes of textbooks with only a rotting cheese sandwich to survive on.

This starts the slow transformation from student to zombie. At first their muscles are kept strong by the constant page flipping but as time goes by that exercise is simply inefficient. The body wastes away from the inside out. Even now the mugger is already doomed but yet he does not realize it and persists.

The second stage comes with the slow retardation of the organs. As its flesh melts away into nothingness so does its internal organs. The kidneys, liver, heart,small intestine, islets of Langerhans and so on all melt into the soupy mass of guck sitting somewhere in their pelvises. Even then they are oblivious, so absorbed in their wanton studying that they do not realize that they are doomed for all eternity.

The last thing to go is the brain. As the heart shuts down, unable to keep up the constant systole and diastole that maintains blood circulation, the brain, in a desperate search for oxygen and nutrients, turns on itself. Using some bizzare force of nature unexplainable by Science at this time, the brain through secret deals with Satan creates several enzymes and minerals that can be used to aid its academic intent.

We've isolated these proteins from a mugger (ahem.) and by careful analysis and illegal animal testing have discerned that these proteins cause Zombiefication in the nth degree where n cannot equal 0 or anything ending with a st, nd, rd. But I digress. Zombiefication is caused by mugging and we would do well to bear that in mind. We simply must do so because to do otherwise could result in a scenario that could haunt us for the rest of our lives, all 5 or so seconds of it.

Imagine this:

10th September. Monday. You stroll into school for the first English Al paper of the prelims. Your mind focused solely on the task ahead you barely register being at morning assembly. All there is in your head is Auditorium 2 and Mr. Dumortier's voice in your head going "5 minutes reading time". Repeatedly.

So you hurry into the audi with all your friends. Well wishes are exchanged and you settle down in your seat. You glance around. Teachers and latecomers are busy shuffling around the hall, people exchanging not-so-hushed whispers along the aisles, people resting their heads on their desks.

Wait a minute you think to yourself. Resting? At this time? No. Perhaps they're saying a prayer or two. Oblivious you return to staring at your cover page. Maybe you'd make a doodle or two there when you get the chance. TOO BAD YOU WON'T.

For unbeknownst to you those students weren't saying their prayers! They were muggers undergoing the final and last transition into becoming a zombie. When the brain is no longer capable of sustaining any higher function and dies. But the proteins remain, activating the core human instinct. Food. Brainsssssssss.

The body is long dead, wasted away from hours spent locked up in a dark room with fireflies for light and a quill for a pen. It is far too late now.

As the deathly moans start echoing around you. You look around with a slight smirk on your face, trying to find out who that jackass was. That expression is frozen there as you watch, petrified, as students turn on each other, ripping flesh from bone and larynx from throat. You barely register the canines of your best mate snapping your spine.

The world goes black.

A cheerful broadcast,
Zombloke 2

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