Guten tag. This is Zombloke III, returned from my 16 month long undeclared hiatus. You may be wondering where I have been all this time, remaining in obscurity while my comrades slog away at preparations for the impending Zombie Invasion of Doom. I should have you worry not, for I have merely been under self-imposed exile in the Gobi Desert, in accordance with my policy of remaining uninvolved and reaping all the benefits brought about by the actions of my associates.
Life has been harsh these past months due to the hostile conditions I have to contend with daily. Food, water and shelter are hard to come by, and the inevitable scuffles with Bactrian camels that inhabit the area drain much of my needed energy. However, I feel that this is good preparation for when the Day finally comes, and I recommend such ventures to any who are not willing to have their brains consumed.
Much of my day (22.4 hours) is spent in meditation as I strive to attain higher levels of self-awareness. It helps to augment my mental tenacity, and as such I have managed to scrape out a reasonable living in the dunes. I would have remained in that cycle of life, had I not been struck with a notion during one of my meditation sessions. It is of paramount importance that you now perk up your ears and hear what I have to say.
I am sure that you have at one point in your life heard the idiom: "Prevention is better than cure". Well, I am happy to say that it has never been more relevant than at this crucial point in time. Allow me to explain myself; understand that a zombie is the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less. Look at this more closely: the body of a dead person. What is the source of all our zombie troubles? People. As the world population grows, so do our chances of survival wane. As such, I propose that we take the initiative and cull the masses in order to destroy the possibility of being overrun by an endless horde of the undead.
While this may seem like an overtly harsh measure, I assure you that there are plenty of opportunities to do so without feeling any remorse whatsoever. It can be done in three easy steps:
1. Scour the dregs of society and gather as many misfits, scumbags, politicians or assholes in general who contribute nothing at all to the progress of humanity, and may even seek to reverse the process.
3. Profit! i.e. Not having your flesh feasted upon by shambling corpses.
* Though the methods you may choose to utilize remain fairly open to your imagination, it is important that you exercise caution and discretion in your endeavors. That is, before you rush out of your house brandishing a huge steak knife to plunge into the face of a random scumbag, remember that when the plague hits, he still has the capabilities to rip your head off. Of course, there would be no hard feelings as he is already dead, but it wouldn't stop him from stripping flesh from bone in order to sate his hunger. Your methods should thus focus on completely incapacitating the person so that even in undeath, he would be unable to rise. Beheading immediately comes to mind, but I encourage you to expand your thought horizons. A few suggestions:
- A gigantic vat of concentrated sulphuric acid
- An enormous industrial meat grinder
- An incinerator of mammoth proportions
Bear in mind that these solutions are not all-encompassing, and that you are always free to devise your own extermination methods. Therefore, just use your imagination, allow your creative juices to flow freely, and always remember the words of Josef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili: "If there is a person, there is a problem; no person, no problem". Have fun!
Zombloke the Third