Monday, January 12, 2009

Zombies In That Cinema Too

Bonjour mon petit ami faible.

Today we bring to you the second part of our box office nightmare, "How To Survive A Zombie Attack Whilst In A Cinema Watching A Movie". In this little segment, we will be covering the recommended escape methods to be employed during a zombie attack whilst in a cinema.

Thus far you have successfully purchased your pre-movie snacks without setting off a zombie invasion; Good Job!

Now the scary thing about a zombie attack in a cinema is that you most probably won't see it coming. Just think about it:

  1. You're in a dark/dimly lit place with your attention focused entirely on something.
  2. Chances are that the cinema you're in has at least one entrance behind your seat.
  3. Jerky or slow movements are common in a cinema as people stumble about in the darkness or try to squeeze past the tub of lard on the way out to the loo.
These are but some of the reasons why a zombie attack in a cinema is extremely deadly. With your situational awareness levels at pretty much negative twenty-three percent, it will be difficult to notice the signs of a zombie attack until it is far too late. For people such as myself who enjoy focusing on a movie just so I can spot a few continuity errors or other screw-ups, this lapse of concentration could be detrimental to my well being.

In this case, the best way of survival is to have some form of early notification in order to preempt a zombie attack. For instance, many zombie invasions usually occur in remote places of the world before striking major population centres and developing into a global pandemic of undeath. Doing your research and taking note of small things such as disappearances in the rural areas or the unexplained deaths of livestock and what not could make a difference between life and death. Having a private circle of informants that update each other over the phone would also be useful (But please remember to set your phones to silent mode during the show!).

If, however, the zombie invasion should be a spontaneous one or the initial outbreak occurs within your locale, then the best bet is to have some handy means of defending oneself until a proper escape can be executed. (e.g. getting to the car park, safehouse, etc.) We here at MB-1 recommend a 9mm pistol, hockey stick, video camera tripod or an Original KFC drumstick; As long as the weapon works for you, use it.

Once an attack is confirmed, you should immediately seek to leave the cinema and search for a more favourable location for the mounting of a defence or to seek out supplies, weapons or a friendly hand. It is a good idea to memorize the basic floor plans of the cineplex or shopping mall that you're currently in. Things to note should be the emergency escape routes (avoid these, they'll be clogged up and eventually turned into death traps.), choke points, access doors, employee exits and other features that would allow for an expeditious exit. During your escape, it is advisable to choose the most open pathway as that gives you the greatest number of options during your hectic flight from the compound.

In our previous installment, we've seen how a single zombie in a large group of people could lead to a huge disaster. Now put that large mass of people in a stairwell with zombies hemming them in from all sides. You get the point.

In conclusion, one can say that going to the movies is an individual responsibility. It is up to the individual to make his or her contingency plans as best suited to one's circumstances and personality. All in all, it is always best to err on the side of caution when weighing up the risks involved in watching movies.

So if you're planning to brave the streets in order to catch Ong Bak 2...

Forget it.




Zombloke II






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